Obeying The Law in North Carolina

This post first appeared yesterday in the Huffington Post, where I have been asked to be a blogger.  It is my second post for them.  Being sarcastic is a little unusual for me, but I must say I enjoyed writing this, and I’ve enjoyed seeing the response.

I fly through Charlotte almost every week. If it’s dinnertime, I stop at Carolina BBQ and say hello to the manager. I have my favorite corner in the American Airlines Admirals Club, where I enjoy the veggies and hummus. I am comfortable at CLT. Though I am usually only passing through, Charlotte feels like home.

Or maybe I should say Charlotte felt like home. My birth certificate does not reflect my correct gender. Every time I enter a women’s restroom at the Charlotte airport, I break the law. As a good citizen, I am not pleased. I have never been arrested. Gees, I’ve never even gotten a speeding ticket. I do not want to start breaking the law now that I am old enough to get a senior discount at the movie theater.

I worked in radio and television for 20 years. The New York Times is delivered to my house every Sunday. I peruse the Huffington Post every day. I stay abreast of the news. How could I have missed hearing I am a threat to North Carolina’s women and children. I must have been sick the day that news came out, or maybe I couldn’t read because I had a speck in my eye.

I knew I made a lot of Evangelicals angry when I transitioned, but last I checked no one saw me as a physical threat. But hey, you never know. I guess I missed hearing when you take away testosterone and replace it with estradiol, you are likely to become a sexual predator. I mean, take a look at all of the other people without testosterone, but with plenty of estrogen. Everywhere you turn they are assaulting women and children, right?

Since I was four years old I’ve been working on my plan to disguise myself as a woman and assault women in restrooms. I went to therapy for twenty years just to mess with my therapist’s head. I endured expensive surgeries, not covered by insurance, because I knew I would have the chance to pursue my nefarious agenda. Though the medications I take give me the sexual desire of a post-menopausal woman, it is just a clever ruse. Once I get into that bathroom, I will take a little blue pill that will — oh wait, that won’t work anymore. Aw dang it, I guess I didn’t think this through.

But thank goodness the Republican legislators and governor of North Carolina thought things through. I mean, they gave themselves 12 full hours, right? They thought through the reality that trans guys with their hipster beards would end up in women’s restrooms, making it much easier for a male sexual predator to walk in as well. Surely they thought of that, right?

I’m pretty tall, so sometimes I am identified as a trans, though most of the time people do not seem to notice. Now I get a chance to let the entire state of North Carolina know I am transgender, because you know, it’ll make everyone feel safer. Never mind that my presence in a male restroom makes me a target for predators. But according to North Carolina Republican legislators, my safety is not important. In fact, I probably should not even exist. Then no one will have to think about this stuff. Yeah, that’s a good solution.

I suppose I will keep on flying through Charlotte, because I can use the women’s restroom at the Admirals Club. It’s on private property. The workers at the front desk have been ardent supporters. Kim and Earleen and others were friendly with Paul for years, and now they are even friendlier with Paula. Come to think of it, there must be something wrong with them too. I’ll have to ask the Republican legislators. They should know.

But what if I have to go to the bathroom while I’m at the gate, waiting for my plane to depart? Oh well, once a law-abiding citizen, always a law-abiding citizen. “Here, could you hold my purse while I take this selfie?”