Tired, Yet Amazed

Tired, Yet Amazed

I am tired.

I am tired of the Evangelicals who now say their prayers are with us.  If they weren’t with us before, except in their pleas that we fundamentally change who we are, I don’t want them now.  There are millions who truly feel the impact of this tragedy, who did not judge us before, and they do not judge us now.  Their prayers are coveted.

I am tired of those Americans who are not losing sleep over the worst mass shooting in American history.  Some of you feel removed from the tragedy because you think these victims are not like you.  Well, the truth is they are not like you.  They understand prejudice.  They understand what it feels like to be ostracized for nothing more than being who you are.

I am tired of hearing all of the NRA activists spouting bullet points from their marketing department.  Your words are being used for evil.  When it is easier to buy an assault rifle than get on an airplane, we have a massive problem.  What part of that do you not understand?

I am tired of politicians who will not do what they know to be right because they are terrified of the gun lobby.  For God’s sake, grow some balls.  If you can’t grow your own, you can have the ones I don’t use anymore.  But do the right thing.  Ban assault rifles and the ammunition clips that have no purpose other than to wreak havoc.  Well, that and make the men feel better who apparently lack the body parts already referenced.

I am tired of Donald Trump not being held accountable for his hate-filled rhetoric.  Do you really want his to be the public voice responding to tragedy?  And I am weary of the Evangelicals who know good and well they are going to vote for Trump, but do not have the guts to publicly say they are going to vote for a narcissistic, misogynistic, bigoted, bully.

I am tired of all the people who can manage to build up some rage if they think this is an Islamic based terror attack, but have already moved on if it is “only a hate crime.”

I am tired of the people who create enemies where none exist, banish scapegoats whose only crime is to be different than those in power, and only believe in a God who craves power, a loving God having been found lacking.

I am tired of living in a nation in which the late night comics have better things to say in response to this tragedy than pastors and politicians.

But then come to think of it, I am also amazed.

I am amazed to live in a country in which Jimmy Fallon and Stephen Colbert can speak spiritual truth with power.  It’s amazing to live in a place in which Anderson Cooper can break down in tears and the cameras do not cut to a robotic anchor with no opinion on the matter.

It is amazing to attend a church in which our founding pastor can call for a minute of silence before his sermon begins, and you are paradoxically filled with profound sorrow and overwhelming pride, because you know from the tone of his voice and the power of his own story, that this is a man who knows suffering, and knows how to redeem it.  And you know he will preach a sermon of stirring passion and love that replaces the stench of gunpowder with the sweet aroma of compassion.

It is amazing to hear the stories of 49 people who faced great trials, yet found a way to dance, because resilience had taken root in their hearts, hearts now welcomed into the arms of God.

I am amazed when I hear the words spoken and written by my own children, who preach love and acceptance, when they could be bitter and angry, because they have decided that when the tears have been shed and the sentences handed down, love still wins.

I am tired, but I am grateful to be alive in such a time as this, when I can join with other pilgrims on the fitful train of halting progress.  I am grateful I can look unto the eastern skies, and know this world can be redeemed by a 2,000 year old metanarrative that still flows forth from a crucified scapegoat and those dreamers and visionaries who follow him.

And so it goes.


13 thoughts on “Tired, Yet Amazed

  1. I do pray for you and I have for a long time I have friends who are gay. I do not agree with there lifestyles but I do not hate any of God’s children I pray for all of my friends with many struggles. Because you are transgender does not give you the market on struggles and pain. We all have our issues yours are no greater than mine, you want to be treated as an equal, then be one. Always your friend Nancy Perkins Fuderer


    • @Nancy Fudeter…Trust me, being GLBT isn’t a lifestyle… Think about it, would someone risk everything from possibily losing their family from rejection, or maybe losing their job or friends or whatever because they are GLBT. A LIFESTYLE is someone who travels often or does ongoing hobbies or whatever interests them whether it be professional or personal pursuits.. For me, IT WAS NEVER EVER A “LIFESTYLE”.. I would never ever go through the hell that I have been through the last few decades, if I was like. “”Oh look, the transgender “lifestyle” is so good.. I get to lose my job several times because of being trans and lose family and friends.. Endure surgery and medical stuff to become who I ALWAYS WAS.. Transgender people go through more societal rejection because of who we are.. Look at all the bathroom jokes or people threatening violence if us “trannies” go into a women’s bathroom or whatnot.. Your dismissive attitude about transgender people is arrogant and un-educated.. We are a group that deals with higher than normal rejection, depression or suicide… Yeah, we GLBT people are enjoying the “lifestyle”..NOT NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!…

      At times, our issues are higher up, because some of us aren’t as strong as you and we either withdraw, get severely depressed or a lot more lately commit suicide or get murdered..

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for this powerful message. You blessed us and challenged us. I shared it on my page for others to read. Thanks again for allowing God to flow through your words. They were truly inspired.


  3. Paula, I hear you. I generally agree, but would like to share a different take on one statement:

    “I am tired of uneducated, ignorant people who create enemies where none exist, banish scapegoats whose only crime is to be different…”

    I think people learn this kind of hate, and it has nothing to do with education level. And I think we are countering it by discussing it, humanizing “the other” and spreading some compassion.

    Here’s to educating people out of hate, and returninng to “common” sense.

    Love, Raya


  4. Thank you for this wonderful article. I have shared it with several in my office. I always loved your articles in the Christian Standard and you still don’t disappoint. I look forward to your weekly writing.



  5. I am pretty sure that I can say without reservation that as a middle aged, middle class white woman I do not understand nor do I go through the same struggles as anyone in the LGBTQ community. I love them, but just because I love them and pray for them does not in any way mean that I can fathom the hate they must feel daily and more profoundly after something like this. Thank you for speaking for them from a place of understanding.


  6. This post should be widely read. It works on many levels. On an abstract, level, I admire how it suggests goals for writing for public intellectuals. When I finished, and thought about what I had read, I noted that the blog had given me a laugh (bittersweet), provided me with an insight, and expressed a truth, rooted in personal experience. Beyond being a writer’s model for acheiving these three goals; it was tight. No excess verbage. A brief lesson or reminder for many and a powerful testimony for everyone. I hope your voice harmonizes with many others to bring about change.


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