Watching the Sunrise

Last week my video from the Wise Woman Summit received a wonderful response.  In 36 minutes I said pretty much everything I know about gender inequity.  That is what I speak about most often, which is okay with me.  I feel a strong call to talk about how much our culture is tilted in favor of white males.

On Saturday evening we had a wonderful service at Left Hand Church. Energy was high, the music was awesome, and I love speaking at home, where I am just a pastor and not a TED speaker.  It was a very good evening.

I love my life, speaking and writing on gender equity and working with Left Hand Church. The domestic and international speaking has been exciting and satisfying; the church is grounding.

But there is always a quiet voice whispering in my ear, reminding me that while my life is richly blessed, my family is still working through so much.  We all had a wonderful time together last weekend when Jonathan was out to preach at Left Hand.  As a family we are finding our new normal.

The grandkids are thriving.  My children and their spouses are doing well.  Cathy and I deeply respect and love each other, though we no longer are married. But challenges remain.  None of us knows what to do with Paul, who is with us but not with us.  I mean, Paul is in me and of me, yet not me.  My house is the repository of all our family photos, but none of them are on the walls.  They are all stored in boxes in the basement, waiting for some kind of assignment.  It is as though we are all waiting some kind of assignment.  That’s nothing new.  I’ve written about it before.

Jonathan and I were interviewed a month ago on the How To Make Love podcast with Laura Brewer.  I do a lot of podcasts, and I particularly like doing them with Jonathan.  Our Holy Writ podcast last year, about the novel Doubter’s Almanac, was one of my favorite interviews we have ever done.  This podcast was right up there.  Laura had heard us speak at TEDWomen, and her questions were thoughtful and probing.  I always love hearing Jonathan speak about our common life, though sometimes it is painful.  But pain that ends in hope is the stuff of life, so the interviews are redemptive, as is Jonathan’s book, She’s My Dad. 

I don’t write much about my children.  The girls lead busy lives.  Jael is a school administrator and Jana owns a catering business.  Jael’s husband, Kijana, is a senior software architect. Jana and Jael both live in the Denver area.  Jonathan and Jubi live in Brooklyn, where Jubi works as a personal trainer and also leads worship at Forefront Church, where Jonathan is the lead pastor.

Since our first workshop together at the Open Conference in the fall of 2016, Jonathan and I have been speaking together more and more.  Of course, our TED talk last November was quite an honor. It has had over one million views since it debuted on in January.  We will both be attending the TEDSummit in Edinburgh, Scotland in July.

Early this past Sunday I had a chance to listen to our How To Make Love podcast.  I sat on the couch and watched out the back window as the sun rose over Indian Mountain.  Jonathan’s voice sounded deep and authoritative.  Mine sounded like it always does, somewhere between male and female.

The son I heard was wise, thoughtful and articulate.  I thought, “I’d go to his church.  He’s smart. He’s done his work.  He knows shit.”  I saw the speaker and storyteller whose craft is so well honed.  The longer I listened, the more I realized how much I love Jonathan’s honesty, transparency, and relentless desire to do the right thing.

What I heard was Paul and Cathy’s son, someone who has taken the best of both of us and crafted a life of wisdom and grace.  As I listened, through my son I found access to Paul, the father who taught him a little about how to be the confident, strong man he is.

I saw the value of all those years as season ticket holders of our beloved New York Mets, when we sat in the Shea Stadium Loge, Section 23, Row D, seats 1-4.  I saw the fruit of climbing Long’s Peak together, twice.  I gave Paul some space at the table, and thanked him for doing his best to teach his son how to be a man of confidence and humility, committed to the ridiculous notion that the truth does set us free.

I was glad I headed to Stuff-a-Bagel all of those Saturday mornings and stood in line to get three bacon, egg and cheese bagel sandwiches for my sleeping children.  I was grateful I had saved all of those frequent flyer and hotel points to take our annual winter trip to Florida.  I was glad I had always worked at least two and sometimes three jobs, helping my children feel like they fit in our affluent community on the south shore of Long Island.

This past week, as I enjoyed the presence of my children, their spouses and my grandchildren, I saw the fruit of my work as a male.  As i listened to Jonathan on the podcast, I was grateful for Paul.  I was grateful that Cathy and I did enough things right to enable our children to be the strong, independent people they are.

As I watched the sun rise over Indian Mountain Sunday morning, listening to the podcast and thinking about our weekend together, I began to catch a bit of a glimpse of the legacy of Paul.  And it was good.


11 thoughts on “Watching the Sunrise

  1. On some level this is one of my favorite of your blog posts. I rejoice that even as your embrace Paula you can now see your value as Paul and see in your children how your time as Paul created them to be strong, faithful souls. You and Cathy show teach me much about bravery and sacrifice and total love for your children and their spouses and your grandchildren even when it’s hard and confusing and not always easy….yet you do it and you both do it so well. Thank you for sharing each week.


  2. Paula, I continue to be moved by the honesty and authenticity with which you live your life! Thank you for your witness and your ministry!

    Hoping to one day visit your church or visit where you are speaking / preaching!

    Continued blessings to you and your family!


  3. That legacy lives on in others too. It cannot be taken away, though some have tried to erase it in the world you and I once shared together. It lives on in me, and that ignited my desire to plant churches. Thank you Paula.


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