Everyone kept asking if I’d seen Will and Harper. I mean, geez, it came out five minutes ago. Besides, I’m tired of television shows, movies, and books focused on the first year in the life of a person who has transitioned. Where you are at year one is so different from year 10, but nobody wants to put the spotlight on that. It’s not dramatic enough.

Nevertheless, when the recommendations turned into a cacophony of voices including one of my closest friends, I figured it was time to watch it. And sure enough, it does have all the elements of that “early transition” period. They also do not devote enough time to Harper’s family or even acknowledge Harper’s ex-wife, but I’ll write about that some other time. On the whole, the movie is wonderful and it affected me greatly. I had to pause it eight or nine times to cry. It’s been a while since anything about transitioning has made me cry.

The way in which Harper’s SNL co-workers responded was exceptionally moving. They were all so supportive and accepting, and  Will Ferrell was amazing. No, he wasn’t perfect and did stuff wrong, but that’s part of the point. At least he tried. Every time an SNL actor was in the documentary, I wept. I’m not sure why, but the brief section with Will Forte made me cry so hard I could not catch my breath.

I know I have never really dealt with how awful it was to lose most of my friends and all of my coworkers when I transitioned. I have not talked with the vast majority of them since the day I came out, over ten years ago. They were well-known leaders, Christian leaders. Yet to them, I may as well be dead. The contrast between the loving reaction of comedians and the devastating reaction of pastors was jarring, troubling, and just plain sad.

What it would have meant if a couple of my friends, and they know who they are, had chosen to stand up publicly for me, and go on a road trip with me, and support me in my transition? It could have changed so much. They had a chance to shift the narrative about what it means to be trans, and they rejected that chance. Instead, they chose to never speak to me again. And thereby they showed me, and every person I know, the fruit of evangelical Christianity. Not compassionate love, but strident judgment.

I always give my former friends and co-workers the benefit of the doubt. A handful have remained in touch with me, and are privately supportive, if not publicly. But Will and Harper showed me, viscerally, what real love looks like, and I wept.

I received that kind of love from Cathy, Jonathan, Jubi, Jael, Kijana, Jana, my grandchildren, and my closest friend, David. But outside of those people and one or two others, crickets. It was devastating to be completely rejected by all of my friends and colleagues. The contrast for Harper with her co-workers at SNL could not have been more striking.

Another thing that struck me about the movie was how fortunate I am that the world receives me as a woman. In the language used by most transgender people, I pass, meaning I pass in public as a woman. In today’s world in which there is so much misinformation about what it means to be transgender, those who do not pass in their new gender are subject to incredibly mean-spirited comments and behavior. I have experienced that exactly once in ten years. That one time was devastating. The person was very mentally ill, and I was not safe.

Being trans has not affected my success in life. In fact I have had more outlets and opportunities to use my gifts as Paula than I had as Paul. I’ve done three TED Talks that have had millions of views, published a best-selling memoir, spoken all over the world on issues related to gender equity, and been elected to public office. When I speak with those considering transition (which is rare – I receive far more requests than I can accommodate) I tell them their experience is not likely to be as positive as mine. I have been fortunate and I am acutely aware of that good fortune.

There is a downside to passing in your new gender. Those who knew Paul cannot find Paul in Paula. They say I look nothing like Paul, and they tend to see me as a completely different person than the one they knew. There is continuity with Harper between the way she looked before and her appearance now.

Harper’s pre-transition experience was very similar to my own experience. As a long time head writer for SNL, she had become very successful. Because of that success, she was terrified of being found out. I know that terror. It is awful.

Also similar, try as she might, she could not understand the genesis of her gender dysphoria. It was just there from childhood, that’s all. Is it brain chemistry, genetics, prenatal abnormalities, environmental? No one knows, and who knows if we will ever know. The political environment does not encourage studies that might shed light on the causes of gender dysphoria.

What was most strikingly similar was the abject despair into which Harper descended before she finally transitioned. I sometimes forget just how bad it got, and how hopeless I felt.

I have one other specific comment that is important. Harper talks about her “dead name.” A lot of trans people talk about their dead name. Paul is not my dead name. It was my name. When you are referring to my life during those years, it is fine to refer to me as Paul and he. I refer to myself as Paul and he. For me, the notion of a dead name does absolutely nothing to create continuity in my life. It is already difficult enough to maintain any kind of continuity without exacerbating the problem by talking about a dead name. But as I have said many times, when you have talked to one transgender person, you’ve talked to one transgender person. My feelings about dead naming are different from most of the trans people I know.

Do I recommend Will and Harper? Yes, unequivocally! While her experience post-transition is quite different from mine, the movie is a very positive expression of the transgender experience, and more importantly, of enduring long-term friendship. This is a movie about the abiding nature of love, and it is a wonderful celebration of life.