A close friend died suddenly this past week. We had been friends since 1984. We worked in church planting together, served our denomination in leadership capacities, and supported each other’s lives in more ways than I can count. For years he would fax me his sermons on Friday morning. I’d watch each page print, gather them, and read.
When we met at national meetings, there were many late night conversations. We shared a lot about our personal lives. He was a man of integrity and character. My first trip to Colorado happened at his invitation.
I knew this friend well. He was the Inspirational Pattern on the DiSC Classic (I/D.) The Enneagram wasn’t all that popular back then, but I’d be pretty sure he was a three with a strong two wing, or vice versa. He loved empowering others, but he also was pretty single minded, with his eyes fixed on the goal. For that and many other reasons, he was quite successful.
My friend wasn’t perfect. He tended to be a little self-referential, as most I/D folks are, but not in an off putting way. He was just very excited about whatever project he happened to be working on. I’ve known few who championed others more than he did. He was always more theologically conservative than I, but that didn’t much affect our friendship.
We talked a good bit when it was time for him to retire. I met with his leaders a time or two about how they might honor him. I was at his retirement dinner, quite a delightful affair. It was obvious he was very loved. As with most of us who led a large ministry for a long time, I knew he would not sit still in his “retirement.” I was not surprised when I heard he was working encouraging pastors all over the nation.
He was one of the very few I told about my gender dysphoria a very short time before I came out. It was the last time we ever spoke. I understood his decision to no longer be in contact with me. For him it was theological. Just because I understood that did not make it any easier.
No one told me he died. Cathy’s sister told her. I have a few friends who I imagine would have told me, but they probably assumed, understandably, that someone local would have reached out, though no one did.
I will miss my friend. I’ve already missed him for eleven years.
This is life. Sometimes it is hard.
Paula Stone Williams 
Good morning from France Paula, this post breaks my heart as I imagine that in real life it really broke yours for the past 11 years. I understand, in ways, and am empathetic to your journey to live your truth whilst remaining faithful to your heart’s attachment to the divine.
My journey, as what a new friend recently named it, as a misunderstood ‘prophet’ (said with some distaste for the US Evangelical overuse), storyteller, ‘thought leader’ (again her world) and mystic has led to a similar abandonnement by my old world of friends and Xian world. It hurts, it fkn led to many, many years of questioning and self doubt. I have repeatedly been told that I’m bound for hell and eternal damnation. And this because I refused to be a good sheep and follow with normative beliefs and practices. I am only recently coming to grips to embracing, loving and being this outside the box of what R. Rohr terms ‘dichotomistic’ living and freedom
In the past 17 months, this journey has led to three significant reconciliations. Each of these renaissance of relationships with four individuals has been bathed in tears and many, many written pages in my journal. There is good in the hard places on life’s journey, on paths that sometime twist and are not always self evident.
My thoughts, hopes and intentions this morning for you, and so many others who are living their truest selfs is that wholeness, goodness and warmheartedness will meet each one of us and bring peace. Thank you for your writings and speaking out. Peace n all good from France.
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I feel deeply sad as I read this post. I also feel inspired to keep my heart open to meet the sadness with gentle care. The sadness has to do with the reality of life being hard, the reality of estrangement due to theology/doctrine, the reality of love not being allowed it’s fullest expression in the face of differences. I breathe with the sadness, and trust the healing power of meeting it with softness… Thank you for sharing your heart, and your sadness, with us. It is received with deep appreciation and compassion.
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So very sad. You are gracious to say his theology kept him from caring about you after your transition, but that sure seems opposite to the notion of Christian love even for the âtheologically conservative.â
Those relationships formed at meetings around the country are quite poignant. Those meeting interludes when deep conversations had time to be away from daily life were very special. Iâm sorry for your loss.
Iâm your age and a Kentuckian and have read your thoughtful articles for many years. One of my UK roommates, a member of a Christian church in KY started me reading them.
Susan
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I’m so sorry, Paula, for the complicated loss of this friend. I do believe that, whatever is on the other side, he understands now and has become one of your biggest cheerleaders in the cloud of witnesses.{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}Jennifer
Blogging at http://www.jennifereould.com “Every year of my life I grow more convinced that it is wisest and best to fix our attention on the beautiful and the good, and dwell as little as possible on the evil and the false.” – Richard Cecil
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😪Sent from my iPhone
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Thanks for sharing this, Paula. That’s not the ending I expected (or hoped for) when I started reading. I have had a few friends cut off contact by saying “It’s not personal, it’s theological.” What bizarre and hurtful theology. Hugs.
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That was a gut punch to read, Paula. (weeping emoji)
I’m so sorry. This is HARD! (heart emoji)
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Sad to hear this story. As Joseph Campbell said some people can only join us for a short while on our journey. He missed something special in not staying with you.
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You and I once briefly spoke about the way this friendship ended. It hurts my heart to read your heart here. And it is complicated, too, as he did seek to be a man of integrity and character. Grace and peace.
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Lory, thank you so much for reaching out. I thought of you several times last week.
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